Trough

I am about to type up notes and journal entries from the saddest time in my life. I vividly remember writing these entries, but I do not remember exactly what I said.

Here we go...

I have spent most of my life seeking meaning in what I do and what my future plans are. I want to be done seeking it out. I want to create meaning now, and make my life meaningful in the process. Why wait to accomplish what I feel to be my life purpose?

I realize I have been living in the future, or at least my mind has. Mentally I was a doctor who was going to change and impact so many lives for the better. Unfortunately, I think the future is now, and what if I don't have that future? What if I am not that physician? Or what if in reality being a doctor does not lead to that? I thought a switch would flip and everything would be okay as an adult. A + B = C. But no one has turned the light on. I can't keep expecting others to turn it on for me.

It is not what are you supposed to do next, it is what is the next step that is right for you? Your happiness?

I checked every single box. Even the ones you have to peer around the corner to see. I double, triple checked it to be sure it would work. Extra cautious.

But they didn't seem to notice. They didn't seem to see what I felt so many others had before. I had those on my side write at length about how great they think I am, but maybe they skipped that part. But how could each and every individual who looked at my application skip the same part and form the same thought? They couldn't. That simply is not possible.

Will I ever know the reason? Will I ever gain clarity on this? I doubt it. Lucky for me though, my anxious brain has already created hundreds of possibilities that tend to arise just before I fall asleep.

What the fuck am I doing? Why do these individuals who barely know me get to decide my fate?

I did everything right. Every box.