Episode 4 - Anxiety & Lexapro AKA Lexibae

(00:15)

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Emotional Millennial. My name is Annie, and I'm so excited that you're here with me today. I have gone through an immense amount of personal growth throughout the past year, and I'm no longer not talking about it. Our world needs more authenticity, honesty, vulnerability. And with this podcast, I'm simply doing my part.

(00:36)

I'm a little nervous for today's episode because I'm going to be opening up about my journey with anxiety. And basically when I made my first appointment with a psychiatrist, how that went, the symptoms I was experiencing that led me to want to make an appointment, and then also, like, the treatment that I received for it. It's kind of ironic because I'm actually feeling pretty anxious right now. I can feel my heart beating a little bit faster in my chest and kind of I don't know, my chest sometimes even moves because my heartbeat will be so intense. So there's a cute little side effect of my anxiety.

(01:19)

So without a doubt, I have had anxiety my entire life. I just didn't really know it. I thought that everybody's brains kind of worked the way that mine did and didn't really have that awareness growing up, which I guess kind of makes sense because us millennials didn't really have any discussions about mental health when we were growing up. Reflecting back on my childhood, I realized that I had an appointment, actually, with the pediatrician that I made specifically because I was having these fainting spells, which now I realize were kind of like panic attacks that would lead me to faint typically when I was around needles or I think also just generally with blood draws. Honestly, it was pretty medically related, which is hilarious because I had so many people telling me, how are you going to be a doctor if you're scared of needles?

(02:14)

It's like, okay, well, guess what, bitch? Here I am. I'm a doctor. So I went to the pediatrician, and I was like, okay, I start feeling a little bit dizzy, and then it's like, I can't stop thinking about it. Like, my mind is spiraling, and then it gets worse and worse and worse, and then I usually end up blacking out and fainting.

(02:35)

And he told me basically, like, you just have to stop thinking about it. Like, oh, wow, thanks. I'm cured. But at that time, I mean, I was so young, and obviously I'm going to trust my doctor. And so I was like, okay, I kind of felt like an idiot.

(02:52)

I kind of felt like it's all in your head, and it's my fault that I can't control my brain, and I can't stop thinking about these things. So I didn't really have any help from that appointment. But now, looking back, if I had someone come into my office with the exact same things that I was explaining to my then pediatrician, I would immediately be like, yeah, you got anxiety. And I'm not going to sit here and blame my pediatrician for not diagnosing me at that time. I mean, I can't really blame him.

(03:24)

It probably wasn't really within his training. Mental health wasn't really discussed at that age, at least for me. I know it's much more of a topic of discussion now. And, like, a lot of Gen Z is very aware and comfortable talking about mental health. But us millennials, we did not have that experience.

(03:45)

A lot of us are now realizing when we're in our 20s, like, oh, wait, maybe I do have a mental health issue. And that's exactly what happened to me in College. I think I had a couple of friends I knew that were on anxiety medications. I really didn't understand it. I didn't understand what the medications were doing or why they were taking them.

(04:05)

But as a friend, I was supportive. And of course, that's fine. It wasn't until I started medical school that my anxiety, which was normally, like, kind of just like, at a chill baseline, let's say, like, two to four, okay? On my average day out of ten is, like, where my anxiety was chilling throughout my whole life College. But when I got to medical school, that went straight up to a ten, it was really inhibiting my ability to function and focus during class.

(04:37)

And when I was trying to study the environment of medical school literally breeds anxiety, in my opinion. You are constantly surrounded by people who are doing so much, achieving so much, and it forces you to compare yourself to other people and think, Am I doing enough? Like, should I be doing that too? Like, that person so much smarter than me, blah, blah, blah. It's just a really, really toxic environment, in my opinion.

(05:09)

I had a close friend in medical school who, who I knew was dealing with anxiety and working through that. And so I am so grateful to this individual. They know who they are. They were my support system and the person that I went to when I was realizing and developing that self awareness, like, oh, wait, this is a problem, and I need to do something about it. And that was really, really terrifying for me because none of us want to admit that there's something wrong with us.

(05:44)

Right? But it got to the point where I couldn't be myself. I was unable to reach my full potential because my anxiety was seriously inhibiting me. I actually wrote down in my notes app some of the symptoms that I was experiencing on a day to day basis so that I could, when I talk to the psychiatrist, tell her about these symptoms, but also just for my own mind and my own self reflection to see as I'm going through this journey of trying to control my anxiety. Like, this is what I was feeling then and then comparing it to how I feel now.

(06:28)

And I'm really grateful that I did that. Because now looking back, it's nice to see that I'm not really experiencing all of those things as much anymore. So personally, my anxiety is typically rooted in social situations. I have a very high level of self awareness, which can be a good thing, but it's a double edged sword because it also really makes my anxiety that much worse when I'm around other people. And it's honestly very exhausting for me.

(07:02)

My mind is constantly thinking about not what I'm doing, but what other people are thinking about what I'm doing. And if you can relate to this, I'm sure you understand. And if you can't, well, I guess you can get a little peek inside of the mind of someone with pretty bad social anxiety. So this note I wrote June 27, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. If we're being extra specific.

(07:32)

So worrying constantly overthinking simple situations, coming up with crazy scenarios of what may happen, usually thinking or expecting the worst creates trust issues with other people. Example, driving in bad snow. Okay, so this is a good story. When I was in Colorado visiting my best friend, we were driving. I think it was like, to Aspen or Breckenridge or something.

(07:59)

Some drive where you're starting in Denver and you're driving through the mountains, and it was snowing really badly, and I'm in the backseat, and the driver could tell how anxious I was. And she was so mad at me because it was making her anxious. So that's just like a little example of how anxiety can create odd situations between relationships in the moment. All right, my next example I gave social situations. I think everyone is watching everything I do.

(08:30)

Even eating in front of people is difficult for me. And actually, I remember in high school, I would eat my lunch right during lunchtime, obviously, but I would really avoid taking anything out of my lunch bag because I didn't want other people to see what I was eating, which is so odd. But everyone's anxiety manifests in different ways. And that was something that I guess I was insecure or anxious about. Then I say I immediately think people are out to get me or are talking about me negatively.

(09:08)

My relationships are more complicated than they need to be. I overthink decisions that are made by other people, and I'm so conscious of what others are thinking. So those were all or at least some of my mental symptoms that I wrote down at the time. Now let's go into physical symptoms. I wrote down.

(09:25)

I can feel my heartbeat in my arms, in my blood pulsing. I can feel random pulsating of different vessels. It feels like they're having a spasm, mainly in my left Axela. Okay. Your left armpit in my neck.

(09:41)

I've had it. The back of my throat also will tighten or feel kind of numb. It's not like my breathing is obstructed, but it feels very different to me. It feels like it's more challenging for me to breathe. At times, it's almost like I feel nauseous.

(09:56)

I feel unsteady, unsure of what's going to happen. I feel like light in a way. My chest feels light, and I'm on the verge of tears. Like, I feel really sad, but almost numb and isolated. Like, other people can't understand what I'm feeling trying to focus.

(10:10)

But I have so much running through my mind that it's really hard to calm my mind and study. I feel that Med school has made it worse. If I am doing nothing, I have the sense that I'm doing something wrong because I'm so used to being busy. I can feel my heart pounding through my chest. My heart rate is almost always elevated.

(10:29)

And when I can feel my heart beating in my chest, I am always convinced that the people around me notice it too. And that's something else that is kind of interesting for me is that I have always thought that my aura when I'm around other people and, like, the energy I bring to situations, I've always been convinced that I bring an anxious energy. And I've asked so many of my close friends about this, and they told me, like, no, I can't tell that you're anxious. But when I'm sitting there and I'm anxious, all I can think to myself is, oh, my God, everyone knows I'm anxious. Calm down, calm down.

(11:09)

Like, stop freaking out. But once again, that's in my head because other people aren't thinking that it's just me. So those were all of the notes that I had written down before I went and saw a psychiatrist. Other things that I thought about that I want to add is in medical school, we say that the information that's coming at you is like water out of a fire hose. And that is the truth.

(11:35)

I mean, you're getting slammed with lectures every week, and it's hard to keep up with. And then you have an exam. Usually ours were on Fridays, and then I would take the weekend off. And so what would happen is I would be anxious, anxious, anxious, like, so anxious all the way up through the exam. Like, before the exam, even during the exam, like, my hands are sweating.

(11:58)

I'm kind of shaking, like, writing with my pencil. Sometimes I would get sweat marks on my laptop because of my hands sweating so much. Maybe that's TMI. But I'm being honest here. And what I noticed was I have this really, really high peak of anxiety, like, week of the test, during the test.

(12:16)

So that when I got home after the test, I was exhausted mentally, physically, and honestly, I would become a hermit. Turn off the lights. And I just wanted to be in my bed. I wanted to be alone. And I would reach these really low points because I was in this pattern of, like, high to low, which is obviously very unhealthy.

(12:39)

But it was something that at the time I had no control over, and it just was my reality. And so I was noticing all these things, talked to my friend, and I was like, okay, I'm going to bite the bullet. I'm going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. And so I did it. I was in the waiting room at the psychiatrist office.

(12:59)

I was texting my friend. I mean, this was precovet era. So looking around the waiting room like, oh, my God, are all these people crazy? Like, are they looking at me? And they think I'm crazy?

(13:12)

And I just felt so vulnerable sitting there in that office and feeling like people were looking at me and judging me, which lol, that's literally social anxiety. And that's why I'm going there to get treated. But I remember texting her and just spilling all of these thoughts and emotions about it, and she kept telling me, it's going to be okay. It is what it is. So I'm sitting down for my appointment, and of course I start crying because I'm really overwhelmed.

(13:43)

And this was a problem that I was struggling with for so long, but that I hadn't really actually verbalized too many people out loud. And so as soon as I started verbalizing all of my issues to my psychiatrist, I started crying. And her response was, oh, wait, yeah, because I apologize for crying, because of course I'm going to apologize for crying and having emotions, God forbid. And she says to me, It's okay if there's any place to cry. It's a psychiatrist office.

(14:16)

Barely looks at me. I think she's like, there's tissues next to you. She's just typing and not even really, like, providing me with any empathy or support. It was honestly a pretty wild experience. I was shocked, to be honest, because I was in medical school at the time, and I'm like, hold on.

(14:36)

I'm currently learning how to treat patients in my office, and what you're providing me with right now is no Bueno. This is not how this should be going down. But at the same time, this is my first time at the psychiatrist. Like, what the heck do I know, right? So I leave the psychiatrist, and she prescribed me ten milligrams of Lexapro, and I left feeling not much better.

(15:10)

I was like, okay, let's try this medication. That's fine. I actually remember I was filling up my car with gas after the appointment, and I started crying again because I'm like, I still feel so unseen, so unheard. I don't feel like cared for at all. I basically felt like she was looking down, typing the entire time, and then just, like, threw some medication at me.

(15:36)

I'm really hoping I'm not, like, steering people away from going to the psychiatrist. I am certain that not every single one is like that. This is strictly my experience. But I was seriously disappointed in that experience I had. I was also prescribed a different medication at this time.

(15:53)

But I will save that whole discussion for another date because that is an entire new can of worms. So now let's talk about my journey with Lexapro, aka Lexi Bay. I like to call her. I started taking it and the only initial symptoms that I was having was like every single night at 02:00 a.m. I would wake up and look at the clock.

(16:24)

It was so odd. It happened for the first week and that was the only thing that I really noticed. This medication doesn't really kick in until like four to six weeks after you start taking it. And I was really nervous when I was taking it because this is something new, it's foreign and I don't know how my body specifically is going to react to it, but Luckily I really didn't have that many side effects. So I vividly remember the first time that I realized like, oh my gosh, I think this medication is working.

(16:57)

I think it's helping me and this is such a silly story. I was playing volleyball with other people in Med school. Honestly, I think it was like some wellness activity. They like force wellness upon us to make our mental health better. Classic.

(17:14)

So I'm playing volleyball and typically when I'm doing things in front of other people, all I can think is like, OK, do this, do that. Like other people are watching you don't do anything weird, whatever. And I was playing volleyball and I hit the ball a few times, whatever. And I realized, Whoa, I am not thinking about what other people are thinking about me. How trippy is that right?

(17:43)

It's a little bit confusing, but that was an incredible moment for me. That was a huge breakthrough for me and it was like so amazing to have that feeling and realize that this is working and I'm getting better. And I was so excited once I realized that when I started feeling like results from the Lexapro, it wasn't anything like hits you out of left field like, oh, now I feel it or something. It's like very subtle things that occur in your life where you realize like, oh, this happened. And normally I would react this way, but I actually don't feel that anymore and I'm feeling this way instead.

(18:26)

It was almost like instead of those ups and downs I was continuously having, I felt like I was more at a steady baseline where I was able to function on a day to day basis and not have my mind running wild as much. Don't get me wrong, my anxiety was still a little bit present, but like it wasn't at that ten anymore. It was like, I don't know, five or six Oops, I just hit the mic. I don't know, is it like a five or six which I'll take it. It is what it is.

(18:59)

I'll take it. Anything is great. So I hope you enjoyed listening to me talk about my initial experiences with Lexapro and the ways that my anxiety was manifesting in my life, in medical school and in social situations and kind of how I approached that. If you have any questions or if you want to hear anything else about my initial experiences, please reach out the emotional millennial@gmail.com. I really am an open book.

(19:31)

I'm trying to be as vulnerable and authentic as possible when I'm talking about this stuff. And so I really hope that that's coming through and you can feel that as you're listening to me. If you, too, are experiencing anxiety or if you have experienced anxiety, you are not alone. Ok. There are so many people who experience it, whether they are aware of it or not.

(19:57)

It is so important that we continue sharing our stories and talking about our personal experiences with anxiety and the ways that it has manifested in each of our lives and how we find the strength to get through it and tackle it because that's how we're going to be able to destigmatize it and normalize these experiences because, guess what? They are normal. There are so many people who are going through these things, and I feel your pain. I hope this episode has made you feel a little bit more seen, maybe a little bit more heard, and maybe you can relate to some of these experiences that I have shared with you today. Thank you so much for listening.

(20:40)

I really appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Bye. I also wanted to mention that on my website emotionalmillennial.com there are full transcripts of these podcast episodes. If you are hard of hearing or if you just prefer to read totally fine, it's emotionalmillennial.com. And once again, my email is the emotionmonial@gmail.com T H eemotionillennial@gmail.com no for real this time.

(21:13)

Bye.