Episode 2 - Unmatched MD - My Story & Decision NOT to SOAP

Full Transcript:

(00:29)

Hello and welcome back to the Emotional Millennial Podcast. Today, I really want to take the time to talk about what happened to me when I didn't match last year. Around this time, I really wanted to have this episode be out for anyone who is going through this and doesn't match to see that you're not alone. And this happens to other people, too.

(00:53)

Something that's really important to me and something that I want to make sure I emphasize throughout this podcast is how important authenticity is to me as well as transparency. I'm really going to do my best to just be completely honest and kind of like tell it how it is. I kind of have, like, a no BS personality, and I like to just be direct sometimes, and I'm going to do my best to kind of do that on here as well.

(01:24)

So let me start by saying I was in no way, shape or form prepared to not match into the specialty I had chosen. So I applied the first time to Obstetrics and Gynecology. I ended up having four interviews, and I ranked all four programs. And I honestly thought that I was going to match at my number one because it was my home institution. So basically was not expecting this.

(01:57)

I was actually visiting my friend in Denver with my boyfriend, who also just applied to the match. He actually matched an Ophthalmology, so we already knew where he was going, and he was totally fine. It was a Monday morning, obviously, and I was actually in the bathroom at the Denver airport. And you know how sometimes voicemails can be virtual and Typed out for you? So I got a voicemail from a number I didn't recognize, and the Typed out thing said, Hi, sweetie.

(02:28)

Give me a call. I have to talk to you. So immediately I'm like, what? I didn't even realize what day it was. This is how bad this is.

(02:37)

I took a screenshot of it, and then I sent it to Mike. I'm still literally on the toilet. So I was peeing and I was like, Holy crap, I don't think I matched. And then I just put my phone away and washed my hands. And honestly, I was just, like, trying to be the calm before the storm.

(02:54)

I was, like, washing my hands, looking at myself in the mirror and trying to keep my breathing calm, and telling myself, no matter what, it's going to be okay, like, we're going to figure this out. And also, I think I was still in disbelief. So get out of the bathroom, wash my hands. Everything's good. And I called this number back, and it's my advisor.

(03:13)

He tells me I didn't match and I'm trying to process this. And then he sends me an email and he says, okay, these are all the programs that are open, that have open positions. And so start writing a personal statement and start working on, like, getting your interview set up and getting your space together, etc. I remember feeling so overwhelmed. I remember being on the phone with a few different mentors asking them, what should I do?

(03:43)

What do you think about this? Should I try and go for an OB spot? Okay, well, there's actually no OB spots. So what am I going to do? I talked with one of my mentors about, you know, possibly doing a research here.

(03:57)

But honestly, like, all of these conversations, there was so much going on in my head that I really don't have a memory of it. Then as I'm on the phone, like, pacing back and forth around the airport, my boyfriend waves over to me and he's like, hey, our flight got canceled, so it was snowing in Colorado like crazy. And I think there was over eight inches. We actually were super delayed in getting to the airport that morning because the snow was so bad. So I don't match.

(04:30)

Our flights canceled. We got to go get our bags, right? So we run down to the carousel thing, find our bags, grab our bags. My boyfriend's calling an Uber. We're trying to figure out where to go for the Uber to pick us up.

(04:47)

Meanwhile, I'm calling my friend that we are staying with, and I'm like, hey, I didn't match into position. She's not in medicine. She is extremely confused and doesn't understand why I think it's the end of the world. And I asked her, do you have a blazer I could borrow? Is there a guest room where I could use the wall as my virtual interview space?

(05:09)

Honestly, it was a huge cluster. It didn't take long until I decided, like, I am not doing this. I'm not trying to take a job position across the country and be far away from my family and my friends when that was the time that I need them the most.

(05:31)

I was staring at the ceiling, and I just thought to myself, like, I'm not doing this. My gut just told me, like, this is not what you should be doing. And so, honestly, I listened to my intuition, listen to my intuition, and I said, I'm not going to soap. I'm not doing this. I don't want to apply for these positions because, quite honestly, I don't really want them.

(05:56)

I don't want to do a transitional year somewhere across the country. I'm from the Midwest, and so I wanted to stay home. I wanted to be with my friends. I wanted to be with my family. I needed them right now because I was in horrible shape.

(06:15)

I couldn't even fathom the idea of soaping into a random specialty somewhere across the country so that I can get below average salary and work insane hours. And I can't even imagine how lonely and isolating that would feel, especially if I was far away from my family. Honestly, it just doesn't seem okay to me at all. And I really respect a lot of anyone who decides to soap. I think that's, like, really incredible.

(06:50)

So I think from the time that I found out, hey, you didn't match to the time when applications would be due if I wanted to get into a soap position was less than 3 hours. So on the Uber ride back to my friend's house, I have my notes app open, and I'm like, trying to write a personal statement. I don't even know if I cried yet. I don't think that I did. I was just in so much shock and disbelief, kind of because I felt so betrayed by my home institution.

(07:25)

I think I submitted two applications and I never really heard anything. My mind was in such a weird space. I honestly think I was dissociated for that entire day because I seriously could not believe that that was happening to me. I texted my friends and my family, but I was basically just like, I don't want to talk about this right now. Like, there's nothing really to say other than the fact that I'm not going to be soaping.

(07:52)

And now I'm just kind of, like, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life for the next year.

(07:59)

Once I told my advisor at my school that I didn't want to soap, I basically just had no more contact with them because there was no reason for them to be in contact with me other than I think they checked on me the next couple of days and just kind of saw how it was doing. I was stuck in Denver for another five days, and so that was very long and draining, and I felt really bad because I was so sad. I was definitely starting to reach those levels of depression, and I was with my friend who didn't understand my situation, and so it was just all bad. I felt really bad that I was in such a bad mood and just kind of staying at her place for a while, but she was one of my best friends, and so it ended up being fine. The franticness that's the word of the soap process and the inability to have control over your situation and your future as a physician upon graduating medical school.

(09:12)

We have all worked so hard, and we are all equally deserving of feeling like we're going into a residency program that we want to go to, that we deserve to go to, that we're worthy of going to. We deserve that education. We work so hard. And so when I didn't match, it kind of felt like to me, like, okay, it didn't work out this year. Let's see what's going on.

(09:39)

Let's reevaluate and let's do it again next year. I can do better than this. I am better than this. If someone chooses to soap, or at least when I was making my decision about soaping, it felt like to me I was being forced into taking a job position I really didn't want and that really just did not feel fair to me Because I know that I deserve to go and get training somewhere I want to go somewhere that I interviewed in a place that wants me too I think we all deserve that upon graduating medical school and so the soap process just really doesn't sit right with me. The biggest problem with not soaping now is this means no salary for the year this means no health insurance for the year so we got to figure out other ways to make money and get some health insurance I guess so.

(10:40)

I am very grateful that I have parents who are willing to still continue to support me. They are seriously incredible and I know that not everyone has that luxury so I decided not to soap I said no and I really don't regret that decision I think it was the best thing I could have done for myself. If you have any questions or if there's a detail that I didn't give that's like super obvious please let me know. You can email me at the emotionalmillennial@gmail.com and also if there are other topics that you would like to hear about Please let me know because I would love to share I intend to share more about me changing specialties and why I change specialties as well as what I did during this year and how I maintained clinical experience as well as research experience and my professional relationships and then also how I like redid my eras replica and also how I redid my eras application what I changed what I did differently and what I changed in my personal statement I also want to talk about why I think I didn't match first time around and why I think I didn't get as many interviews as I was anticipating so I think that's all 40 thank you for listening.

(12:14)

If you're still sticking around I really appreciate it.

(12:18)

I hope you have a great day and I will see you next time. Bye.