Episode 16 - Bye Depression!

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Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Emotional Millennial. I hope you're doing well and thank you for coming to hang out with me today. Day one of the main reasons I created this podcast was to try and destigmatize mental health and get more conversations started about mental health experiences. I've had more than my fair share of mental health struggles, and I think my ability to talk about it could be really helpful for other people who might be experiencing the same thing. Having your feelings validated by hearing someone else's experiences and feeling a similar way can be very powerful, and that's what I want to be able to do for you.

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In this episode, I'm going to talk about my depression, but I'm going to talk about the little things that happened on the way to recovery and during my healing process that let me know I was getting better. As I was healing from my depression, I did my best to be aware of little things that would occur that would remind me of my old self and that would give me hope and show me that I am healing. If you've experienced depression before, you know that it's a really tough place to be and it tends to feel like there's no way out and that you're not going to get better, that this is just kind of your life now and the way your mind works. And so I'm here today to share how I got better or the things that let me see I was getting better and I was on my way to healing, hopefully instill a little bit of hope for whoever is dealing with depression right now. Before this episode, I journaled for maybe an hour.

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I have so many notes in front of me and different talking points I want to cover, so I'm going to apologize in advance if this episode is a little bit jumbled. I just have a lot of thoughts. Okay, let's get into it. So depression introduced me to a completely new version of myself. I didn't like her.

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I didn't know her. Initially, it was super obvious to me that I was a completely different person, but over time, it just kind of became my new normal. And I didn't even really realize I was a new person or that I had changed so much for the worse until I started back on the healing process again and saw glimpses of myself, my old self, my happy self. When shit hit the fan, I was angry. I felt betrayed, and I basically just wanted to give up.

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I didn't want to do life anymore. I was hostile, negative, and I was really not pleasant to be around. I knew my family and my partner felt like they were walking on eggshells around me, but I really didn't even care enough to do anything about it. And then as I began to heal, I would see glimpses of who I used to be like a flickering light. It would give me a little bit of hope, but as soon as I saw it, it would disappear, and I would feel abandoned again and feel like it never happened.

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And it just felt out of reach like my old self did. But over time, I would notice more and more things that would remind me of who I used to be. And I would always try and celebrate these moments. And sometimes I would get so emotional because I'm emotional, I'm just very sensitive. And so sometimes I would tear up because I would be so happy and excited that the old me was coming through.

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In those moments, I would desperately want to return to that past version of me because I knew I was just such a better person. I was a better person to be around. I was more pleasant. I was happier. I wasn't depressed.

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Depression was a period of my life where I didn't feel proud of myself, the things I was doing, or who I was as a person. I felt a lot of shame, so much shame. And I also had an immense amount of guilt because I was very aware while I was depressed that I was not proud of who I was. I would actively think about it every day, almost like torturing myself, in a way. And it was really devastating to me because I never thought that that could be me.

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I never imagined myself or my brain reaching that point. I think that anyone who was in my life or who knew me before I went to medical school would be pretty surprised if they learned about how depressed I was. It really just didn't feel like something that would ever happen to me. It felt like the end of my world. I was really scared, and I lost a lot of confidence in who I was.

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One thing about depression is once you experience it, you will never again take your happiness for granted. The first time I felt real, true happiness during my healing process, I thought the fact that other people in this world always feel this way is incredible to me. The fact that they don't even realize that their mind could work any other way other than just be happy is so cool. That's amazing. And if that's your brain, you should be very grateful for that.

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Those of you who are lucky enough to have a happy mind, I'm not going to lie, I am jealous of you. You should cherish that. But I also can see the perspective of if you've never experienced depression before, it makes no sense how people could ever feel that way. Like, why would my mind be anything but happy? Like, why are you so sad all the time?

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I have had happy moments where I asked myself, how were you ever so low? How did you ever feel that way? But then a couple of weeks later, I'll be sad and I'll be rolling my eyes at the happy go lucky version of myself. It comes in waves. I also think that once you experience a certain amount of depression, a certain level of sadness, it's always kind of there in the background, just hanging, just vibe in.

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And then if something happens and it's like, oh hey, remember me. Depression is annoying like that, or maybe our minds are just annoying like that. It can almost feel safe in a way, because with depression, you're isolating yourself completely and you don't want to be around anybody else.

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At least for me, I've definitely experienced this. It's easier for me to be sad than to try and be happy because it takes so much energy and I would rather just leave me alone type of thing. While it was at my lowest point, I was very critical of everyone and everything for reasons I have no idea. I would always find something about a situation that bothered me, always. And then most of my energy would be spent focused on that instead of the things that didn't bother me.

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Like, my mind was choosing to focus on the bad. My view of the world, society, and my life was super narrow. I could not see the bigger picture like I used to be able to. All I saw was sad, sad everywhere. It was almost like I was colorblind or something.

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Another good analogy is like having Sheet blinders on and only being able to see what's directly in front of you, which is all like the sad when you're depressed, at least. And then as you start to heal, your perspective gets wider and wider gradually over time, until eventually you can see everything again and not just feel overwhelmed with sadness all the time. You can see both the good and the bad. And when you're suffering with depression, this is not a conscious choice that you're making. Looking at a situation, just being like, all I see are the bad things, all I want to look at are the bad things and I want to be sad.

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No, I wish it was a decision because I wouldn't be choosing to be looking at all the sad things. It's just what your mind focuses on instead. I was very sensitive to being annoyed or easily bothered by random things that otherwise wouldn't bother me, like the old version of me. And I would sometimes catch myself and be like, why are you so bothered by this right now? This is a you thing.

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This is not actually bothersome you've, like lost your ability to tolerate anything out of the ordinary. I was generally just very irritable and like I said earlier, not pleasant to be around. So throughout my journey, I would be trying to ask myself and challenge myself to change my perspective or challenge myself to let it go and not use my energy to be like, upset or angry about something that I had no control over. OK, now I have a list of little things that I noticed throughout my healing process. Like feeling proud of myself again, having the desire to do things, whether that's leave the house, go to the grocery store, make plans with friends, just generally having a spark of motivation to do something that was huge.

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And my motto is ride the wave. If I get a spurt of energy or if I get a little burst of inspiration and I want to get up and do something, I always go, I always do it. I don't even give myself enough time to think about it. I'm like, okay, let's go get moving. Because I know if I don't, I will sit there and it will go away.

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The moment will pass and I've lost out an opportunity to bring myself and my mind into a better place and do something good for myself. I also was able to be more present in the moment no matter what I was doing. While I was sad, I was miserable about it. I don't want to get up and put my thing in the dishwasher. I don't want to go put clothes in the laundry.

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Like everything felt so hard. Example I have to go unload the dishwasher. My brain says OK, so that means I have to take this blanket off of me, stand up from the couch, walk all the way to the kitchen, then I have to open the dishwasher. It's like every little task feels like you're trying to move a mountain or something. You think about every detail, like where everything could go wrong, anything bad about the situation, that's what my mind would jump to.

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And so no matter what I was doing, I was complaining about it, I was mad about it, I was miserable about it, I didn't want to do anything. So as I began to heal, it was so much easier for me to be in the present moment. Because instead of complaining about it in my brain the whole time, I was actually enjoying it and taking in what was happening. My thought process changed, the thoughts that were occupying my mind completely changed. And this would also come and go.

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I would have some days where completely miserable and then other days or other periods of time where I could be present. And I always really appreciated that because I want that. I want to be present in the moment. It makes me feel guilty or frustrated with that version of me that was complaining and miserable all the time. Depression is weird, man.

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I began wanting to talk to other people, whether it's random people or people that I love and care about, calling them on the phone, actually wanting to have a conversation. I wasn't on the phone. Just trying to figure out how to end the conversation like I would do when I wasn't in a good place. Anytime someone would call me, it was like, ugh, I don't want to talk. I don't know what to say.

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All I know is I'm sad and I don't want to talk about it. And my perspective slowly changed and got better as I was healing. And that was really cool that I felt myself caring about other people and caring about my relationships again. I wanted to interact with other people more. I didn't want to be isolated and alone all the time.

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While I was not doing so hot, I was constantly wearing my ear pods around the house. Like, didn't want to talk to anybody. You know, it's the universal sign for please do not bother me. I'm booked and busy, even though I was absolutely not busy. I had nothing that I was doing, but I was pretending I was busy so people would leave me alone.

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In addition to caring about the people in my life and my relationships, I also started to care about myself, and that was huge. I did not have a good relationship with myself while I was depressed. It's not easy to talk about, but I didn't like myself. I wasn't proud of myself. I didn't like who I was, and I didn't think I deserved much, so I wasn't taking care of myself.

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My skincare routine was down bad, and my skincare is very important to me. I wasn't eating well. I didn't have the motivation to make meals and cook. To me, that was just so much effort and so much work, and I wanted quick and easy. I never felt like getting ready.

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Didn't want to put makeup on. I was wearing pajamas around the house all day. Didn't want to have to put on clothes, like normal clothes that were not super comfortable. And every once in a while, I would randomly do something for myself without thinking about it, but just because I wanted to. And I would have moments of like, wow, this is exciting.

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I don't know the last time I wanted to cook for myself or I wanted to eat a good meal, and so that would make me excited. I'm on the way back to the old version of me, the happy version of me. I also cared about my mind more and my body more. I wasn't working out when I was depressed because I didn't have the energy to. I didn't care.

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I wasn't motivated. And I started to get these urges of, like, I want to move. I want to do something. And that was always a cause for celebration in my house. Mentally caring for myself.

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I would journal sometimes, and these were things that would just kind of come to me. Like, I would get a feeling of wanting to do something, and that let me know I was getting better, because I knew depressed me would never do these things or think these things. Okay. The last couple of things that I noticed was I was allowing myself to feel instead of numbing everything. Whenever something would come up and I didn't want to deal with it, I was like, no, push it away.

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I don't want to deal with it. Whereas as I got better, I was able to confront issues and talk about things instead of running from them. I cared more about other people again. I started doing thoughtful things or I would think of something thoughtful to do for another person, you know, like all the time I did it, but at least having the thought is like a positive thing in and of itself. And the final and one of the most important things for me was I felt myself falling back in love with medicine, my career.

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And that was huge for me because I thought I was going to have to change my career. I thought, no, this isn't for me. This isn't what I want anymore. And that was a huge loss for me because I've spent my entire life training for this and looking forward to this and wanting to be a physician. And so to get here and to not want it anymore, that really hurt.

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When I started to feel some excitement about medicine again, about starting residency, about working with patients and helping people change their lives for the better, I was so ecstatic because those feelings coming back meant that I still do have them. They were just like, hiding away for a little while, and I was so scared that those feelings were just completely gone. My passion came back, and I'm a very passionate person. And so that really was like the final part of me, the final piece of me that I was really desperately missing. And once I got that back, I started to feel like me again.

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And there are still days where I'm sad, but there are more days when I'm happy right now, and that is pretty freaking cool to me. I still have a lot of work to do. I still have a lot of healing to do, and I'm still really trying to be patient with myself as I get there. I'm trying to learn to be okay with the fact that some days I will be sad and that's just that I can't be happy every single day because that's just not the way my mind is. And that's okay.

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That's who I am. On those days where I am sad or I don't feel like me, I try to remind myself that it's going to pass. And it's okay if you experience that too, know that it's okay to have those days. I think that we need to feel those feelings every once in a while so that they can pass and we can move on. It's better to feel them and experience that, then continue to push it down and let it bottle up until one day you just crack whatever that looks like for you.

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I don't know. For me, that would probably be a panic attack where I fainted, so definitely don't want to do that. Okay, well, I hope you enjoyed listening to the things that I experienced on my road to recovery from depression. If you can relate to me, I would love to hear from you. Please reach out.

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My email is the emotion millennial@gmail.com that's thiemotionellenial@gmail.com let's be friends. I would love to be friends with you. A sad. People need to stick together. As always, transcripts will be available on my website emotionalmillennial.com.

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And thank you so much for spending time with me today, for hanging out. I hope you have a lovely rest of your day. And yeah, bye.