Episode 7 - Time to Talk About Depression

(00:14)

Hello, and welcome back for another episode of Emotional Millennial. My name is Annie, and I'm so excited that you're here with me today. I think it is so important to continue you to have conversations about mental health and our personal experiences with it so that we can see that there are so many people who deal with mental health issues. And at this point, I feel like it's more normal to have them than to not. And by talking about it, we can feel less alone.

(00:47)

And I don't know, it can just help us to feel less different and less isolated. And I think that's really important. In today's episode, I'm going to talk about some of my experiences that I've had with depression. Yay, depression. We love her.

(01:04)

It's kind of good timing because I didn't do an episode last week because I was not in a good mental space. I honestly couldn't get off the couch. I had absolutely no energy, and I felt pretty guilty about not recording and putting something out. But I knew that whatever I recorded was not going to be true, authentic, I don't know content that I wanted to put out there. And so I thought it would be better to wait until I was in a better mental space, such as today high.

(01:37)

And then I can just talk about my experience with depression in general right now because of the pandemic. There are so many people that are dealing with depression and feelings of isolation. And as a physician, I have the opportunity to see so many patients from very diverse backgrounds and different ages. And I've had so many people just come in and talk about how stressed out they are, how much their life has changed, and how they want some help because they feel like they're just not themselves and it's really been affecting their life and they want change and they want to get better. As soon as I have a patient open that conversation with me, the first thing I do is commend them for their strength and their level of self awareness to be able to come in and have that conversation, because that's not an easy thing to do.

(02:37)

It's not easy to ask for help. And so I always try to encourage them and tell them this is the first step in the right direction, realizing that your mental space is not as good as it could be and working to make it better. And that's amazing that you have the ability to recognize that. So depression really manifests differently for every individual. For me, really tired, absolutely no energy, no motivation, basically, just like a couch potato.

(03:14)

I don't want to do anything. I feel like I don't care about anything. And along with it comes with feelings of guilt for not wanting to do anything and kind of feeling like I'm letting down the people in my life that care about me because they don't understand my mental state at that time. And so they might be taking it personally that I'm behaving a certain way. I'll also feel guilty for, like, I don't know, not doing little things around the house that I normally would like, all that kind of stuff.

(03:45)

I'm a firm believer that sometimes, whatever your situation is, if you're in a bad place, you kind of just got to let it suck. And that's okay. A lot of the time when you're speaking with somebody like, oh, this happened to me and I'm upset about it. The first thing they try to do is like, oh, but like this and then that. And it's like all that does is make you feel worse because now you're in a position where you feel like you should be better than you are.

(04:15)

Stop trying to fix it. Sometimes you just have to sit in the suck, be sad, let it out and know that that is okay and that it will get better. If instead of doing that, you're forcing yourself to do things that you feel like you should be doing, in the end, it's probably only going to make you feel worse because you're expending this energy trying to, like, you know, please other people and do these things that you know you should be doing. But sometimes you just need that rest and you need that time to yourself to recuperate and recharge and do the things that make you happy. And if that is sleeping for, I don't know, over 12 hours or binging Netflix or whatever the heck you feel like doing, then do it and don't feel guilty about it, because that's just what your body needs at the time.

(05:12)

Things that have personally helped me throughout my waves of depression. First of all, the Lexo row that I'm on, it helps with anxiety and depression, and so that has really helped stabilize my ups and downs, I guess you could say. And I've also gone to therapy for I feel like ever since my second year of medical school. So maybe like three years now currently don't have insurance shout out to not getting a job.

(05:43)

I'll get back into therapy once I have insurance again to cover it. But along with therapy, I also really enjoy journaling and listening to music. And honestly, just like, creating things, whether that's like, drawing or, I don't know, baking something that always makes me feel better too. There's also, at least in my opinion, a big difference between being sad and being depressed. I think the word depression is thrown out a lot when it shouldn't be because depression can be a very serious thing and that's when it's, like, genuinely impacting your day to day life.

(06:26)

Like, you're not able to function at your normal capacity, whereas being sad is, like, more casual, like, not as big of a deal. Depression is different for everyone. For me, I had a very long period of time where I was just chronically very, very low after I didn't match and I didn't have a job, and I felt really isolated. And that pit that I was in is very different than the feeling I had last week of just, I don't know, a more, like, brief little stint of not being myself and not being in a good mental place. It took me so much longer to recover from the previous time when I was really in that deep, deep pit.

(07:15)

And honestly, it kind of felt like my entire perspective on my life was just different. Like, I was looking at everything around me and looking at myself through a different lens. You know how people are like, oh, like rose tinted lenses for when you're in love with someone. Whatever. For me, it almost felt like I was looking through, like, a smoky lens of everything just had this tint of sadness.

(07:43)

I saw sadness and everything. I felt very hopeless. And, like, there wasn't a point to anything. And that's hard. And it's hard to feel that way and not have anyone else around.

(07:58)

You understand that you're feeling that way and almost think you're an idiot or stupid. And like, come on. Like, this is like, this way. Why can't you be happy? And it's like, okay, yeah, I know.

(08:11)

I get it. I know that my state of mind is not okay, but this is what it is right now, and I just need you to leave me alone kind of a thing. It is not fun to talk about depression. It's definitely, like, bringing up memories for me, but I think it's super important because I remember during the pandemic, at some point, I was watching a video and I heard someone talking about their experience with depression, and I, like, immediately perked up, and I was like, Wait, what? Like you felt that exact way too?

(08:46)

They were talking about how they can't get out of bed and will barely be eating or something. And that's just, like the way that their depression manifests. And I felt so seen at that moment. I was like, Holy crap, I want to hear more. But I couldn't really find many more individuals discussing their experiences with it.

(09:07)

And so that's a huge reason why I want to try and be open and vulnerable about the way that it has manifested in my life. If you're anything like me, sometimes your mood can be low and you don't necessarily have an explanation for it, and that's okay. You can give yourself permission to just be sad. And if someone is like, oh, what's wrong? Whatever.

(09:33)

It's like, I'm just feeling low right now, you know? And, like, you don't owe any explanation. And, like, know that that's okay, and it's going to pass. I want you to know that you aren't alone and that I've been there too. At the root of it all, I think that my depression stems from the feeling of not being good enough and I think that there are a lot of other people that feel the exact same way because of the way social media is today and how we're always being forced to compare ourselves to other people.

(10:15)

This is actually why I took a huge break from social media during the time that I was feeling, like, Super, Super, super low because it just was not good for me in any way, shape, or form. And also I just didn't feel like being social. I was like, I don't care about anybody. I don't even really want to be here right now and I just want to be alone in my own thoughts. I felt very just numb.

(10:43)

I couldn't really feel much at all when I was really in that deep pit that I'm talking about. And that's scary. I didn't even really realize that I was feeling so numb until I started to come out of my depression. And I was like, oh my gosh. Like, I think I feel happy.

(11:04)

Like I haven't felt this or anything in so long. It was really exciting for me to feel something. Along with those feelings of numbness, I really experienced a feeling of worthlessness and feeling like I wasn't worthy of being on this planet or in my case, specifically worthy of being a physician. Actually, my boyfriend got a mug that was like a frontline responder, whatever, like a coffee mug. And there was a long period of time where I wouldn't even let myself use that coffee mug because I didn't feel like I deserved it.

(11:49)

I didn't feel like I was worth that. And I know that's so stupid and so silly, but, like, the day that I chose to use that coffee mug, I was like, Hell Yeah, I am a doctor. I deserve this. Despite not having a job at the moment. Like, you know, I still am like a doctor.

(12:07)

I can use this. And, like, I felt worth it at that moment. On the road to recovering from my depression, I made an effort to create these sticky notes and place them around my house and places that I see often. Like my mirror in my bathroom, like where I go get ready at my desk and they all say you are worthy simply because you exist. And it's something so small.

(12:34)

But reading that and seeing that consistently every single day, slowly but surely, it really was resonating with me. And it always picked me up a little bit when I was feeling worthless. You are not alone. You are good enough. And if you are feeling depressed or sad or low right now, please know that it will get better.

(12:59)

It might take a lot of time, but it will get better. It sucks. It's not a position anyone wants to be in, but, like, we have to have these conversations and I hope that you are listening right now and you feel seen. Like you feel less alone and you're able to connect and feel something through me being vulnerable here on this podcast and I know it may not seem like it in the moment, but there is more to life than the way that you're feeling right now and I believe in you and I think you can get through it and I'm here for you. Okay, enough of the sad crap.

(13:40)

We are done with this episode. I hope you enjoyed listening today. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen and spend this time with me. I would love if you reached out to me theemotomillennial@gmail.com that's theemotionimonial@gmail.com the emails that I've received already make my heart soar like I absolutely love hearing from anyone who listens because that's the point. That's why I'm doing this is that I want to connect with people and I want them to feel seen and cared for because you are despite it not always feeling that way because of the way our society is but I would love to hear from you and transcripts are available on my website emotional millennial.com and I will see you next time.

(14:33)

Thank you. Bye.