Episode 21 - My Journey with Lexibae (so far)

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Hello and welcome to the Emotional Millennial. If you are new here hi, I'm Annie. I'm so excited that you're here, hanging out, spending some time with me today. And if you're not new here, welcome back and thank you for continuing to listen to this podcast. I'm really happy with the way it's been panning out.

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I've been loving that I can hear from you guys with your emails and reaching out, and that you're able to relate to my experiences and that I'm able to make you feel less alone. That makes my heart so freaking happy because that's the reason I started this podcast. So everyone is welcome here. So if this is your first time, I hope that you'll stay awhile. And with that, in today's episode, I'm going to talk more about my journey with Lexibae, which is what I call my Lexapro because I'm friends with her and she makes my life a lot better.

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I tend to just call her Lexi for short. So last time I left off talking about when I started taking medication for my anxiety. I was started on ten milligrams of lexapro, and I started to see some of those impacts on my social anxiety. And also just like my medical school related anxiety, I wasn't thinking about due dates as much. I kind of had a clearer brain, and I was able to see my day today with a more clear head.

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If you imagine all of my anxious thoughts as like, I don't know, like snow or like fog, like clouding up whatever I'm doing, taking that ten milligrams of Lexapro help decrease that by like 50%, let's say. Educated guess. The next thing that happened, from what I remember, is I was taking it initially in the morning, and I felt that maybe this was contributing to some fatigue I was having throughout the day, which, who knows if it was really from the Lexapro, I don't know. I was a medical student. I was really also just tired, so I started to take it instead at night, and that is actually what I still do to this day.

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I have an alarm, or not an alarm, I'm sorry, a reminder. I used to have an alarm for my birth control, and it's just like, really obnoxious. If you're with people, an alarm goes off and say, oh, what's that for? And it's like, well, you know, I'm taking this medication. So the reminder, I think, is the way to go because it's much more discreet and it stays on your notification center until you complete it.

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So I have a reminder set every night at 08:00 P.m. To take my Lexi Bae. The reminder is literally called Lexi, and I have it right next to my bed, so I can just take it right before I get to bed if I forget it eight or something. That routine works really well for me because I think if it wasn't next to my bed, I would definitely forget it. And this is not a medication that I really want to forget, so yeah, and I'm sure other people in my life also wouldn't want me to forget this medication.

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Okay? So as soon as I started getting cozy on that ten milligram dose, things started happening in my life. Medical school got harder. I was in a living situation that was really not good for my mental health, and things started happening regarding, like, me getting into residency. Just things weren't going swimmingly for me, let's say.

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So some anxiety that I had related to the pandemic specifically. I remember there were multiple nights where I was up and I couldn't sleep because it actually felt like the world was falling apart to me. I'm sure there are other people who will be able to relate to this and who have had similar experiences, because I've literally talked to so many of my patients who felt these same things that I did. But it was at that point in time in the pandemic where it was almost like a scarcity mindset. Like, people were going to the grocery store, buying out everything, and I wasn't going to the grocery store.

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So I'm like, crap, like, am I not going to have enough soup if the apocalypse is happening? And, like, I just also didn't leave my house much at this time, and so that made me really anxious. Like, should I be buying things? And then even if I do go to the store at this point, is there anything left? Probably not.

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So maybe it's not worth leaving my house. And then I would be up at night thinking about the health of my family and whether or not they caught the virus. My mom is immunosuppressed, and if she got it, there was no data so far on what the COVID virus did with people who had, like, a weakened immune system. And so just so much unknown was happening at this time, and I think that was really the root of most of my anxiety. The way that our country was handling this pandemic absolutely broke my heart.

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The fact that there were people who didn't believe that this was really something that was happening when so many of us were seeing it with our eyes every single day, people weren't taking it seriously. People didn't want to wear masks. And I think the fact that I felt like humanity as a whole was kind of turning on each other and we weren't working together anymore. Wow, that's my cat screaming. Oh, my gosh, he's fine.

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Despite sounding like I'm killing him, he's just very dramatic and obnoxious like his mother. And so I think me kind of losing hope and humanity and feeling like people were going to turn against each other, you know, these are things that are very valid, that kept me up at night during this period of the unknown. And so when I would check in with my psychiatrist. And you do these scales every time you meet with them. If you're on medication for anxiety and or depression, you do the generalized anxiety, like scale and they give you points there.

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And then the higher your score, the worse your anxiety. And then same with the depression scale. So my anxiety was really high. I mean, I knew it. And then also, like, objectively, my score was really high.

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And so we made the decision at that time to increase my dose to 20 milligrams, which I was like, yes, this is exactly what I need right now, because I wasn't doing well. And I was very disappointed, actually, because I remember being so excited that the Lexapro started working for me and I had very minimal side effects, and I was just like, oh, my gosh, like, life is good. And then when the pandemic hit and I felt like I really took a step back with my mental health. That was a hard pill to swallow because I had just felt like I was doing so well, and then to just take so many steps back, it felt very discouraging. And so it was the time to increase my dose, and I was very content with that.

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I'm really not sure if I felt a significant difference from the ten to the 20. It was kind of the same as when I started the Lexapro. Like, you don't really know what's happening, and then one day you're like, wait, I feel a lot more clear. I feel like I'm able to think more clearly. I feel like I'm able to see whatever situations are in front of me and whatever I'm going through in life, I can think more logically, and I'm not constantly worrying about other, like, random things that are not actually involved.

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So I felt that over time, I was able to think more clearly. Again, if we're thinking about that comparison I gave again with, like, fog or snow or, like, something in the room, you know, just the clarity of it, like, it was almost like 80% gone. Then I was able to see situations more clearly. I was able to behave more like myself. It felt like because instead of being in a situation and having all of these extra thoughts occupying my mind that were completely unnecessary and unrelated to whatever was going on, I became much better at putting those thoughts away.

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Like, if they would come up, I'd be like, Nope. And I'd be able to control it and push it down rather than when I was having those episodes at night when I was only on the ten milligrams, those episodes would still, like, break through and I wouldn't be able to take one of those thoughts and put it away. Instead, I would take it and I would kind of spiral with it and I would, like, give it juice. I would give it energy and allow it to exist in my head live and rent free. You know, at this time, I was kind of starting to spiral down into my depression.

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So, wow, what a few years it's been for me, really? So when the pandemic started really bad anxiety, not so bad of depression, anxiety started first, so I increased that dose of Lexapro. Then things started falling apart with I had a really bad betrayal from some people that I thought were my friends. And residency stuff started happening where I wasn't getting interviews, and I just felt like a failure. And so that was the time where I actually also started taking well Butrin, which is an antidepressant drug.

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And so since I started the wellbutrin and I increased my dose of Lexapro kind of around the same time, it's hard for me to differentiate everything that I was feeling and whether it was all due to a Butrin or all due to Lexapro, if that makes sense. I'm going to do a separate episode about well but trim because that's its whole other situation. Look at it. I got so much mental health stuff to talk about. We're going to be here for years, so don't worry.

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So the only anxiety that was still remaining for me, honestly, even now, is really social anxiety. I don't have as much anxiety anymore about like, due dates or trying to get things done around the house or like things like that more. So my anxiety is when I'm like out in public spaces and places or when I'm thinking about what other people think about me. So my anxiety that exists now is basically rooted in my interactions with other people rather than just me in my head. So when I'm at home and I'm alone and I'm chilling.

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I'm typically not anxious. Which is like a really cool thing to say because that's not my normal you know. My whole life I've been super anxious. And so now I finally feel like I'm in a place where I'm able to exist and be myself without all this. Like.

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Excess that's not me or not what I want to be a part of me. If that makes sense. I do think that having high amounts of anxiety held me back from reaching my full potential, and that's one of the reasons I sought treatment in the first place. So my lexapro is doing a wonderful job at its job, its purpose, the reason I got it, and I'm still taking it now. And I'm not sure when I'm going to stop since I've now finally reached this place where I'm knock on wood.

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Stable, cause I feel stable right now. I feel good. I don't want to jinx myself because this is the first time in maybe since I started medical school in 2017, this is the first time that I have felt good mentally. And that's pretty sad. But now that I'm here in this place, I want to stay here.

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I don't want to have my anxiety come back. And it's a battle between that, like, keeping this stable position that I'm in right now, and at some point, when do I decrease the dose of my Lexapro? Like, when do I reach the point where it's like, okay, now you're good, let's try to get off of it, or do I just stay on it indefinitely? It's a weird question to even consider because I don't really remember who I am without it. And I'm so scared that let's say I do start decreasing my dose and then I'm just causing bumps in the road that are completely unnecessary.

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I don't want to think of myself as, like, dependent on this medication, but I also don't want to rock the boat and stop taking it when I'm doing so well right now. So I think I'm in a place where I've accepted that I like who I am on Lexapro, and I like my mental health when I'm on Lexapro, and that's okay right now and for the inevitable future, this is just what I'm going to be doing because I like to be stable, I like to be happy. I like to not be anxious. And I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a medication every day to make you feel like the best version of yourself. I really don't see Lexi Bae as a crutch or something that has, like, changed my personality or changed who I am.

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I feel like it gives me the ability to focus on being in the present moment and trying to enjoy my life instead of constantly being overwhelmed with anxious thoughts and worried about things, which takes me out of that present moment. I'm a very intuitive person, and so I think I will know when the time comes, like when I should stop taking it or when I should start decreasing my dose to see if I can wean off of it. That's also a decision I'll make with my doctor. But now is not the time. It's just not now.

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We're finally doing well, and I'm going to try and keep it that way because it's been a minute and I think that I deserve to be happy. I also just want to mention the amount of patients I have that are on antidepressants antianxiety medication. It's insane. There are so many people that are also on those medications. If you do feel like you are alone, you aren't.

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I have so many conversations with my patients about their anxiety and about their depression, and the way that you're feeling is completely valid, especially given the circumstances of our world at the moment. Your feelings are very valid. Do not let anyone try to tell you otherwise. Not everyone is going to understand, and that's okay. You don't need them to understand.

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You just need yourself and knowing that the way you feel is okay. And also just know that it isn't forever. I think the Lexapro, in combination with my therapy has helped my anxiety exponentially in ways that I never would have dreamed. I think when I first sought out treatment for anxiety, I never imagined a life mentally like that I have right now. I never thought that something like this was possible.

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And so it gets better, even if it doesn't feel like it will. I hope you enjoyed listening to me talk about my journey so far with Lexi Bae. She literally changed my life, and she's my favorite. I would really love to hear from you. If you want to email me at the emotional lanniel@gmail.com it's th eemotionlonna@gmail.com and transcripts for all of these episodes are available on my website, which is emotionalmillennial.com.

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If there is anything else that you would like me to talk about relating to mental health, depression, anxiety, whatever, shoot me an email, let me know what you're interested in, and I will talk about it on the podcast. You are not alone. You matter, your voice matters, and everyone is welcome here. I would love to be friends with you. Have a lovely rest of your week.

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Happy Halloween. It is Halloween today. How spooky. I dressed up as the squid game characters with my boyfriend, and we ordered these squid game costumes from a really sketchy site from I don't even know where these were produced. And it's really funny because they came back and they're completely different colors.

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Like, one's blue, one is green, but, hey, it worked out. I hope you have a great Halloween. Stay safe and, yeah, that's all. Okay, bye.