Episode 13 - RT if you have Imposter Syndrome

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Hello and welcome back to another episode of Emotional Millennial. My name is Annie, and I'm Super Excited that you're here.

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This podcast is about being vulnerable because honestly, I think necessary. I'm no longer not talking about it, whether that is mental health, medicine, life experiences, or anything else that's on my mind.

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The things a lot of us are. Thinking but avoid talking about these are the things that matter the most. Authenticity at its finest. Let's get into it. Well, good morning, or I guess good.

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Afternoon or evening, depending on when you're listening to this. I hope you have been having a really wonderful week. I just got back from a vacation I had in Colorado, where I got.

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To re ground myself and be in.The mountains and go hiking, and I feel like a new person right now. The mountains are definitely the place where. I'm able to recharge and reconnect with myself.

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I was able to explore Maroon Bells near Aspen in Colorado, and it was so beautiful. I highly recommend if you are ever out there.

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That will be my final vacation before I'm starting residency in two weeks, I think, which is absolutely insane. This time has been flying by. I've been thinking about this start of residency for so incredibly long, and I can't believe that it's finally here. And I'm not going to be sitting at home all day doing nothing. I'm actually going to have a real job. This will actually be my very first.

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Grown up adult job. This is the first time I will ever be receiving a salary in my life. Late twenties.

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It's fine. It's definitely going to be a huge adjustment for me mentally, physically, emotionally, to switch up my routine that dramatically and actually be having to wake up early every day. So it's going to take some getting used to.

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As I've been preparing to start my Residency position, I've had quite a lot of onboarding tasks that I need to complete that are pretty tedious. But one of them is I have to go get a physical and go in person, and I have like a drug test, and they take blood to make sure I'm immune to certain things.

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And whatever random accomplishment of mine did.

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Not even get dizzy when they drew my blood at my physical.

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So you could say I've grown. You could say I'm proud. I'm pretty proud.

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My experience at my physical is actually what kind of inspired me to do this episode. I'm sitting in the waiting room and I just had this really intense, overwhelming feeling of imposter syndrome. And so I thought it would be appropriate to talk more about imposter syndrome, my experiences with it, and I don't know, just kind of how I view it in our society and how it impacts specifically the millennial generation. So I got my physical for my new job as a resident physician. I'm sitting in the waiting room filling out paperwork on one of those clipboards and another person walks in and it is another resident in the same exact position as me, just doing, you know, their physical, too. I'm observing them because this is what I do. I love people watching. And so I'm thinking to myself, like, what's their narrative? What's their story? As I'm observing them, I think they look like a doctor, for sure. They look so much older, so much wiser than me. I wonder if they're looking at me and thinking like, who is that? Like, no way, she's a doctor. She looks way too young. But the reality is that individual probably didn't even notice me or look my way.

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They probably did not have these thoughts. But for some reason, my brain decides to create this narrative, and I felt like an imposter. And I realized that this is classic imposter syndrome. If you haven't heard of imposter syndrome before, or if you're not familiar with.

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It, it is basically feeling like a fraud, doubting your own abilities, and you.

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Don'T really accept your accomplishments because you kind of find it difficult to believe. It involves feelings of self doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments. I know that this is something I.

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Personally have dealt with honestly as long as I can remember.

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And I also have quite a few friends who have told me about experiencing something similar. Some of my classmates and I in.

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Medical school would say out loud things like, Wait, me, I'm the doctor.

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Or I can do that. Almost like asking for validation or asking for permission from somebody else who you think is more capable. And Imposter syndrome is something that I feel impacts at least our entire generation of millennials. It may also impact Gen Z, whatever. But I know, at least for my own generation, this is something a lot of us do experience, which is super interesting, right? It's not enough for me and my brain to be like, okay, yeah, that's impostor syndrome. I have it great. Welcome to the club.

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With my mind being the way that.

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It is, I'm asking, Why? Why do I feel this way? What have we collectively as a generation.

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Experienced to make us feel this way?

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And is it the way that we were raised? Is it something that we were taught? Why do I have this chronic issue of never feeling good enough? Is it because of the pressures from society, or maybe it's just from the pressures we put on ourselves? Most likely it's a combination of all.

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Of these things and route to becoming a physician.

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I have known my place on the.

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Bottom of the totem pole.

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It's very clear as an undergraduate, as a premedical student, and as a medical student. So now that I have moved up, quote unquote, a little bit on the.

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Poll, I would think that I should feel a little bit more worthy, right?

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At least retrospectively, I thought that I would feel that way because when I was a medical student, I looked at residents like they put stars in the sky, like they were so much more important than me that they knew everything. I didn't doubt them. And when I would interact with them, I always felt like there was something that they knew that I didn't since I was just a medical student and I knew my place. But now here I am. I am technically a resident and I still feel the exact same way. I wonder how I will feel actually once I start residency and what those dynamics are like, how I feel working with medical students and working with attendings and what that power differential is.

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But in this moment I cannot imagine.

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A medical student like looking up to me during rounds and such. It's hard for me to conceptualize that. Maybe it's because I actually physically haven't been in that situation. But if anything, I feel like I'm going to be intimidated by the amount of book knowledge they have compared to mine because they most likely have a lot more. It is just such a twisted reality. You really think it's going to be.

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One way, but then when you get there, that is like no way reflected in the actual reality.

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So it turns out it's just all about perspective. It's all about the way that you.

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Feel and it's all about the way that you see things.

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I do believe the general hierarchy in medicine or I guess in any other business company will contribute to the feeling of impostor syndrome simply because when you are in training, when you are just.

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Getting started, you want to keep your head down, you want to behave, you.

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Don'T want to ruffle any feathers and.

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You want to impress kind of fly under the radar, right? That way you can develop good relationships, not cause any trouble, and hopefully move up the totem pole without any problems. This is the way that I have been behaving essentially my entire life to get to where I am today. And so that behavior at this point is so ingrained in me. I'm so used to making myself small and blending in that once I'm at.

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This position of what should be power, I still am unable to feel that.

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And be one with that because all I know is that I should be small.

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It's hard to snap out of it.

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And that does make the imposter syndrome worse because it's like I'm at the.

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Top and I don't know what to do. I'm in this position now.

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How do I behave? What should I do differently? This is very generalized, obviously, but this.

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Is just kind of an observation that I've made when I've been reflecting on.

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My imposter syndrome personally. I also think our culture general belief system really contributes to this feeling.

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I believe the perfectionism problem really weaves into imposter syndrome, but perfectionism is going to be its own entire episode because there is just a lot more on that.

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If you think about the way millennials.

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Grew up, okay, we didn't have Internet until high school.

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I would say.

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I think I got my first phone in middle school, and it definitely did not have Internet. I had like 250 text messages allowed a month. So the only exposure socially that you.

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Got to other people was in person, like IRL. All you knew is what you saw or what you were taught. So it's much more likely that you retain your parents beliefs because that is what you were taught. That is what you see versus now. Gen Z has had social media from such a young age, and they've had.

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Exposure to the Internet since, I don't know.

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It feels like birth. They have the ability to form their belief system based on what they see on social media in combination with whatever their parents tell us tell them and.

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Whatever their life experiences are.

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In a way, I think the social media exposure for Gen Z allows them to connect, create communities, and see what other kids their same age are doing around the world.

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Millennials were really only able to know.

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What other kids were doing in their town.

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Right? And honestly, I don't exactly know how this growing up process and being raised this way may have contributed to impostor syndrome, but if you have thoughts, please let me know because I would love to hear them. Another example of impostor syndrome I want to give because it's kind of silly. And it happened recently was when I was in Aspen, which is like this super rich, bougie town. I get out of the car with.

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My friend, and I felt like such.

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An imposter because I didn't feel like I fit in because I'm not like this rich, extravagant Gal. I wasn't, like, dressed to the nines and like, you know, looking all great. But then I thought to myself, why.

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Do I not fit in here?

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Like, why do the people that I'm.

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Seeing on the streets? Like, why does my brain choose to demoralize myself immediately?

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Like, as soon as I step into a new place, I'm like, oh, God, I shouldn't be here. Everyone's looking at me like I look stupid here.

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It's absurd.

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I don't know why my brain does that, and I'm really working on it. I'm trying to work on the way.

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That I talk to myself.

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And I'm also trying to celebrate my accomplishments more so that I feel like they actually occurred, like, trying to recognize.

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Them a bit more.

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I want you to know that if you have experienced imposter syndrome or if you do at some point in the.

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Future, you aren't alone.

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Your feelings are completely valid. And I guarantee someone else's feeling that.

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Exact same way about probably the same situation.

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It is not your fault. It is really based on the way.

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That we were raised and the way that our culture has made us feel.

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The way that you treat yourself and reward yourself. Celebrate yourself is really important and it matters. It makes a difference. Positive reinforcement, baby, all the way. I do not tell myself that I'm stupid anymore. If I catch myself in like a.

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Negative comment, I will pause, hold some.

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Space for myself and I tell myself.

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It isn't a big deal. You were confused, you made a mistake.

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Or you aren't lazy because you haven't taken your laundry out of the washer for three days.

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It's fine. You will get to it when you get to it.

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There are moments where I realize I am my own largest critic and I'm the one putting this unnecessary pressure on.

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Myself to accomplish tasks, be productive, and do things that I think are good.

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Lately, I have been internally shaming myself for sitting on the ground while I brush my teeth and playing a game on my iPad. I've been playing two dots and I'm.

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Literally obsessed with it.

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It's kind of gross. And while I'm playing it, while brushing my teeth, sitting on the ground, I'm thinking to myself, like, really Annie? Why can't you put the iPad down for 3 minutes and just focus on brushing your teeth?

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But like, why do I even think that?

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Why is it a problem to play a game while brushing my teeth? Like, this is so silly and specific of a story, but it is just such a good example of these random pressures and judgments I place upon myself that are completely unnecessary. I've developed this inner judgy critic Gal inside of me and I'm really trying.

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To get rid of her. So it's a work in progress.

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When something comes up, I try to confront it mentally and correct my thought process. So continuing on with like, the whole iPad situation, I would say, you know what? Keep playing your game. You're having a good time, and if that means sitting on the floor while brushing your teeth, then go for it. No one else is judging you except yourself.

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Simply giving myself permission to just be not putting pressure on myself constantly throughout the day to do certain things, just allowing myself to exist. It sounds so simple, but if you're.

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Anything like me, this is actually something that's pretty challenging because you have to be aware of your internal dialogue and you have to learn how to be aware of the way that you're thinking about yourself.

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Imposter Syndrome sucks and I hope it goes away.

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I will definitely keep you guys updated on if I feel like an imposter.

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While I'm a resident. If you have ideas as to why.

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The millennial generation struggles with Imposter Syndrome.

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So much, let me know.

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Reach out to me because I really am curious.

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I want to thank you for taking.

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The time to hang out with me today.

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Hopefully you had a decent time. Transcripts for every single episode are available on my website. Emotionalmillennial.com and you can email me at theemotionleennial@gmail.com that's T H eemotionomleennial@gmail.com I've been having a lot of fun doing this podcast.

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I am really going to try and.

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Keep it up during residency.

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I'm sure it will be a challenge I'm not sure what I'm going to.

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Face until I get there but I.

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Think it would be really cool to share my experiences throughout residency and kind of the things that I face as a resident. New challenges, life adjustments, all that kind of stuff.

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Thank you again. Have an excellent weekend.

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I think you are incredible you are enough. You are not alone.

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Ok. Bye.