Today, yes i mean right now in this moment, I felt this urge to feel pretty and freshen myself up before sitting down to actually put in some work. After I talked myself through that process, I took a seat at my desk and tucked my chair in, sat up straight, and looked over at my kitty. I then realized that I cannot remember the last time I wanted to get pretty for no other reason than just to feel good about myself. Every time I have put in effort on my face with makeup or whatever, it is because there are people who will see me. We out here following the cultural norms and honestly so I can feel confident enough to see other humans. If I didn't wear any makeup at all I have essentially no eyebrows and the red around my nose/cheeks is striking, alas I put on brows and cover that shit up prior to human interaction. It wasn't like I was super excited to be doing it, I always did it quickly, tried to not mess up, and call it a day before popping on a meeting or something. There was no inner urge of mine to do things that make me feel prettier for MYSELF, it was more so a chore or task that had to be completed before x event.

There was no event today that told my brain it was time to feel pretty. It is just me and Mitts, and I am sitting at my brand new dream of a desk in this space I created and it is changing my perspective. Slightly tilting it toward being kinder to myself, taking care of myself, and liking myself. I'll take a little tilt cause we got almost a 180 degree flip I am working on. But baby steps!!! Little by little I am becoming me again.

It's insanely bizarre (Not 2 Zs like I tried to argue to Mike during crosswords) that not a single person is technically holding me accountable for any of the actions in my day-to-day life. No assignments due, no tests, no studying, no other people constantly talking about the crap they do and asking me about it. It is just me and Mitts and wow it is weird as hell. It was never something I thought about when I didn't match, but now that I am living it, it is just so interesting to me. My life up until this point has been fully structured with deadlines and graduation dates and constantly receiving feedback through my scores and comments. But now it is just me. I realize I am not really giving myself feedback or am I giving myself deadlines, maybe that would help me to feel more structured and like I am accomplishing something. It is tough for me to adjust to this. I feel very forgotten about since there is no one checking on me as I am so used to it, but I need to get through this and become more comfortable with being my own boss.

That starts with self-discipline, and fuck I am so bad at self discipline. WHY is this? Is it a personality trait? Or is this like revealing the whole disliking myself thing? Like not respecting myself or caring about myself? Like WOW it is annoying I swear I have arguments with myself in my head (fr responsible annie and self-sabotaging fuck it annie) where later on my responsible ass is like dude stop doing this shit but the next day my other gal is literally like why do you care so much you need to chill it isn’t a big deal etc. But also I will deep down low-key know that I shouldn't, I just consciously choose to turn the volume of that voice down a little so that I may proceed with my bad decision and feel less bad about it.

I don't know how I got from feeling pretty to my various voices but hey whatever it takes whatever sparks joy.